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By Charles Jay

I think you’ll all agree that Kimbo Slice probably needs a tuneup before he takes on Ken Shamrock, although some might argue everything he’s had has been a tuneup thus far. I don’t know if any of these guys are CBS material, but considering what Kimbo has faced to date in his brief mixed martial arts career, I’ve got a few suggestions, drawing upon some of my wildest, wackiest moments as a boxing matchmaker.

WES SMITH — The first time I saw this guy, it was at the Galt House Hotel in Louisville, a little more than twenty years ago, where he was about to appear on a USA Network card (I’m not sure if he was slated for TV or not, to be honest). About an hour before he was supposed to step into the ring, I spotted him eating a hot dog at the concession stand. And he was in full boxing regalia - trunks, robe, shoes, the works. Shortly thereafter, when a promoter in Jacksonville said he wanted an opponent his heavyweight, Dorcey Gaymon, could walk right through, I remembered Smith, and put him in the fight.

When I ran into him at the hotel the day before the show, I asked him if he had worked out at the local gym, which the promoter had arranged to be available. “No, that’s alright,” he said, one eye on me and the other eye on the spread of food that was in the restaurant. “I did two or three sit-ups and a couple of pushups in my room.” when he walked away from me, he was carrying three plates from the buffet table, an admirable athletic feat indeed.

MITCH SAMMONS — He called himself “King Kong” and touted himself as the future heavyweight champion of the world. The promoter was taken in by this whole shtick and insisted he be used. But he wanted such a low-risk opponent that ultimately I was forced to pull somebody out of a local wrestling school. Sammons was still so afraid that I actually had to put him on the phone with the would-be wrestler, who had to swear up and down that he never had gloves on before. Sammons wasn’t convinced. He wanted to see the guy’s name in the phone book. But even that didn’t satisfy him.

Finally, it got so ridiculous that I had to tell Sammons to get lost. He later cajoled some poor promoter in Tennessee to put him in with a bunch of stiffs, and he chalked up a number of first-round
“knockouts” (as in laydowns) before a real fighter almost took his head off. But this guy would be perfect for Kimbo.

JOE LOUIS BAILEY — When I was just starting out in boxing, one of my duties was to take down the color of everyone’s trunks for the sake of the TV people and the ring announcer. At my very first weigh-in, I turned and asked Bailey what color his trunks were. He said he didn’t know, I’d have to ask the trainer. The I turned the other way to the trainer and asked him the same question. He said, “I don’t know, you’ll have to ask the fighter.” Hmmmm.

At that point they looked at each other and had what might best be described as a “Three Stooges Moment.” The trainer said to Bailey, “You don’t have any trunks?,” to which Bailey replied “No, and I don’t have any shoes either.” Well, these guys drove three hours home through a rain storm to get their gear. And you know what? It’s a good thing they didn’t go out to a store to buy it, because Bailey was knocked out in the first round and had his purse held up by the commission.

I have tried to meet the proper standards here, but just to be safe, I will probably keep looking…….